Why Don’t You Love Me?
Beyonce sang, ‘why don’t you love me when I make me so damn easy to love. Why don’t you need me when I make me so damn easy to need.’ Sisters and brothers take heed. I know that plea all too well, as I’ve spent years searching for MY love in the hearts of men. ‘Tell me who I am to you’ is a common question many of us spend most of our lives asking of lover after lover, looking to them to deliver the happiness we so long for; the happiness that comes from being wanted and needed by another, the temporary fulfillment that comes from feeling validated by the person who has our attention at the moment. A lot of us have emptiness within us as deep and wide as the Grand Canyon and are looking for someone to fill it with their love and happiness and ‘complete’ us. The longing for many of us is so deep that we tend to settle for anything just to get a taste of the fulfillment we so desire from a companion. We’re starving. And when you’re starving, you’ll eat just about anything. We’re starving for love. We’re starving for attention. We’re starving for admiration, intimacy, respect, validation, devotion, loyalty, trust and spiritual connection with another. I know, me too…most of us are. Even while in a committed relationship, there still can be a great, deep emptiness within you that has yet to be fulfilled. That empty space manifests itself as dissatisfaction with your self, your mate and the circumstances of your life. But for a lot of us, that might not be that obvious until we get quiet and take a good hard look at ourselves objectively.
Close your eyes and think about why you really feel the way that you feel. The question, ‘why don’t you love me?’ is a good place to start but that’s not it. The next question should be, ‘why don’t I love myself?’ because that is what is really manifesting in your partner. Why do you feel that your happiness should be predicated upon another? We think that way because we have yet to take responsibility for how we feel and think. We don’t look at situations like that though; we play the blame game.
We say, ‘you treat me disrespectfully; you hurt my feelings, you don’t care, you don’t love me,’ and because we’re in pain and he/she doesn’t recognize it, or does recognize it and continues to hurt us, that hurt is now turning into anger and resentment, which leads to more problems in the relationship. We may be able to hold it in for a while but it will inevitably come out in the form of sarcasm, manipulative mind games or all out raging verbal, and sometimes physical outbursts toward our lover. This is because we are in pain. But it is not pain that they have caused, as we tend to believe. Rather, pain from that empty space that is gnawing at us from the inside. The pain from not knowing and loving who you truly are, the pain from what happened to you when you were a child, the pain from something you witnessed or experienced. These are the bags that Eryakah Badu sang about. ‘Bag lady, you gone miss your bus, draggin all them bags like that. I guess no one ever told you, all you must hold on to, is you. ‘ That song is so powerful. It sheds light on and speaks life into those who are walking around carrying the pain from the past and present states of being and allowing it to damper our present and future moments and experiences with others. So yes, people do hurt us with their words and actions or lack-thereof, but we can use that pain to show us where we are already wounded and hurting within.
As we grow and heal mentally, spiritually and emotionally, we come to know that a) hurt people, hurt people. Meaning that those who are hurting tend to hurt other people as a result of their own pain and suffering, and B) your close relationships are in some way a reflection of you. Your mate is in some way showing you a mirror image of your inner state of being. Either you are exactly like them (now or in the past) in the way they’ve hurt you, or they are showing you the subconscious fears, thoughts, beliefs, etc that you hold, yet may not be aware of. When you look at it from this perspective, you empower yourself because you can no longer look at yourself as a victim when you realize that you have the power to change your relationship experiences. Perhaps if we didn’t give others so much power over our happiness and perhaps if we healed from the wounds of the past, and perhaps if we already loved and accepted ourselves for who and what we are, then we wouldn’t put so much pressure on our mates to validate us and they wouldn’t be able to hurt us because there will be no pain within us for their pain to partner and agree with.
Our lives are reflections of what’s inside of us. If you are already suffering and in pain, your current mental and emotional state creates more of the same. And vice versa if you’re happy and peaceful within. Some would disagree but only because they are seeing things from one perspective. Look deeper, and more objectively at your self, and you will see that the way your mate treats you confirms many of the thoughts that you have about yourself. Before you object, think about it. It may take some time to realize because many of our beliefs about ourselves and other people come from the subconscious programming that has taken place within you up until now so you may not be able to recognize it without some serious soul-searching, and maybe even the help of a therapist. Years worth of words, sounds, images and experiences are all imbedded in your subconscious mind and have an effect on your conscious thoughts, words, beliefs and actions every day. These are the bags that we carry and mostly don’t even realize. We don’t realize because we don’t take the time to look within ourselves to really get to know who we are and what’s inside of us. Explore why you think the way that you think and feel the way that you feel. Don’t just accept what you think and feel, examine it; dig in to your past for possible causes. Are your thoughts and feelings valid? If not, throw them out immediately! Dismiss them and find a counter thought to replace it. Once you change the thought, you change the feeling. And once you change the feeling, the words and actions follow suit.
Why do we demand from others what we have yet to give to ourselves? Because we have not been taught that the foundation of our happiness should not be predicated upon people or circumstances, rather knowing, loving and accepting the essence of whom you really are. And in my experience, this only comes with an open and pure connection to the source of our existence, aka God. The question, ‘why don’t you love me’ should always turn into, ‘why don’t I love me?’ Why? Because that is the root cause of any issues that you may have, not just relationship. Why? Because people and circumstances in our lives are reflections of our conscious and subconscious fears, beliefs and thoughts about ourselves. But when we wake up to who and what we really are, we find divine love, joy, peace and fulfillment within, and this perspective colors all of our relationships and experiences. When there is love, joy, peace & fulfillment within, not only will you attract another who has the same self-love and awareness, but also,the external circumstances of your life tend to flow in a more positive direction.
Our happiness, when based on others, is shallow and therefore fleeting. In order for us to experience a healthy and truly loving relationship, we must be healthy and whole within. And that comes from being honest with our selves and then doing the inner work that is necessary to heal from the wounds of our past. So the next time your mate hurts or disappoints you in some way, don’t bring anything to them until you have first examined yourself. Namaste. –love sj
